Players

Kelly Andrew Dixon - Freshman at Borden State University.  Prefers of be called by his second name: Andrew or Andy.  Average kid of athletic build.

Stephanie DeGenaro - Freshman at Borden State University. Her style is derived from Hot Topic apparel.  She has green highlights in her hair and numerous earrings.

Mom and Dad - Andy's parents.

Pat McCormick - Freshman at Borden State University.  Andy's best friend.  Loves video games.

Maria DeGenaro - Steph's sister

Dean Ira Campbell - Dead of Freshmen at Borden State University.


ACT I

Scene 1

ANDY, MOM, and DAD walk through a door into a DORM ROOM that is completely empty save for two beds and two dressers.  MOM and DAD are first in, carrying two small boxes.

DAD

Ah, so this is it!  The place you'll be spending the next three months of your life.  Boy, I wish I was younger and could be in your position, son.

Mom

Ugh, he has to live in here?  It's smaller than the room he had when he was a baby.  I don't know about this, Henry.  Andy, are you sure you don't want to just commute?

ANDY walks in carrying two large suitcases.

ANDY

(forced)

You know, instead of talking you guys could be helping me.  And for the last time, Mom, I'm not commuting!  I don't even have a car!

ANDY drops the bags which make an audible THUD.  ANDY leans over and tries to catch his breath while talking.

MOM

All I'm saying is that you're still welcome at home.  There's no reason why you need to stay in this prison cell!

DAD

Oh come on, Margret!  You're just trying to scare him now.  We agreed that he is going to spend at least the first semester on campus.  He needs to make friends and get the full college experience.  Besides, we can't get our deposit back on the room and board back so he might as well get the most out of it.

MOM

(walking over to Andy and hugging him tight)

I know.  I just can't stand to see my baby leave me! Please promise to call us honey!  We're always there for you!

ANDY

(struggling in MOM's grasp)

Does that mean you guys are there to help me move the fridge up here?

MOM lets go over ANDY.  DAD walks over and places a hand on ANDY's shoulder, smiling.

DAD

Let's not get too ahead of ourselves, son.  I don't want us to be a bother so we'll just drop that off and you can get on with your life.

DAD leads MOM out of the room.

ANDY

Wait, what?  Hold on a second!  That thing weighs a ton!  You don't expect me to lug it up here, do you?  Dad?  Dad!

ANDY runs out of the room slamming the door behind him.  Several seconds go by before the door once again opens.  STEPH walks in with two suitcases rolling in behind her.

                                                                                                                 [RING]

STEPH

Hello? Oh hi, Maria.  Yeah, I literally just walked in.  You have no idea how annoying it is to walk up three flights of stairs.  I don't know how I'm going to do this every single day. (pause) My roommate?  No, I haven't seen her.  Her stuff's here, I figured I'd be the first one since I moved in so early, guess not.

STEPH walks over to ANDY's suitcases and opens it, looking through some of the clothes.

STEPH

Wow!  You won't believe this!  My roommate's a total lesbian.  She's got all these boys clothes.  Ugh, I can't believe I got to deal with a butch girl.  I mean you know I don't have problems with gay people, Maria.  I just don't know how I'm going to sleep easy at night with Lumber-Jill sleeping across the room from me.  (pause)  Oh, okay, I'll let you go then.  Talk to you later!

STEPH brings in her own suitcases further into the room and sighs as she lifts it up onto her bed and starts to unpack.

STEPH

I should have known from her screen name that she was a lesbian.  Sportsmaniac86?  Yeah, real feminine.  Oh well, I guess it's better then having one of those sorority types.  (in mock voice)  Oh hey girl!  Wanna polish our nails and then after we can cry at The Notebook and drink Smirnoff Ice?

STEPH takes out the last of her clothes.  She looks down and notices dust on her shirt from her suitcase.

STEPH

Damn it.  I'm only here five minutes and I already got this crud on me.  Better change out of it.

STEPH puts down everything and faces her closed door.  She then takes off her shirt and tosses it to the side.  When the shirt is off, the door opens revealing Andy with a small refrigerator behind him.  STEPH looks up and sees him and immediately tries to cover herself.  ANDY simply stares at her.

ANDY

Whoa.  Awesome.

STEPH

What the hell?  You pervert!  Get the hell out of here!

ANDY

What are you talking about?  Why are you getting naked in my room?

STEPH quickly reaches for ANDY's suitcase and begins throwing anything she can grab at him.

STEPH

Get out!  Get out, get out, get out!

STEPH finally grabs an alarm clock and tosses it at ANDY's head which knocks him out outside of the room.

Scene 2

STEPH and ANDY are in chairs in front of a desk in IRA's OFFICE.  STEPH is in a new shirt while ANDY has an ice pack on his head.  IRA has several files on his desk one of which is ANDY's transcript and housing details.  IRA sits opposite of them behind his desk, looking through the files one last time.  He then looks up, bringing his hands up onto his desk and interlocking them in front of him.

IRA

Well this is quite a predicament you two have gotten yourselves into.

STEPH

You two?  He's the pervert!  What was he doing in the girl's dorm?

ANDY

What the hell are you talking about?  I was supposed to move into Chelsea Hall.  Everything was going great until you decided to come in and take my room.  Oh and by the way, who the hell throws an alarm clock at someone?

IRA

Now calm down, you two!  Listen, I don't know exactly what happened and frankly, I don't care.  All I want to do is figure out why this happened.  Now, Mr. Dixon, I want to ask you about your transcript.

ANDY

What about it?

IRA

Why would you put down a fake name for your transcript?

ANDY

What are you talking about?  I wouldn't do something that stupid.

IRA

Then why would you put your name down as "Kelly"?

STEPH

Probably so he could spy on girls trying to change.

ANDY

Get over yourself!  Dean Campbell, that's my real name.

IRA

You just introduced yourself to me as Andrew.  Now you're telling me your name is Kelly?

ANDY

Kelly is my first name.  Andrew is my second.  The transcript asked for my first name so that's what I wrote down.  But that shouldn't matter anyway.  I put down that I was a fricken' dude!

IRA

(looking through pages)

Yes I see that now.  Since that is the case, I can only assume then that someone in Residents Life must have assigned you to your room based solely on your name.  I'll have to investigate it further and get back to you on confirming that.

STEPH

Well that's good, right?  You can move him out of the room now that you know he's not a girl.

IRA

(coughing)

That's actually a bit of a problem.

STEPH

(yelling)

What?

IRA

Now calm down!  Let me explain.  You see, we have many applicants here at Borden State.  The Freshman Experience Dorms are all filled up.  That's probably one of the reasons why Andrew was put in Chelsea Hall to begin with.

STEPH

You don't get it!  You have to have him out of there.  I'm not sharing my room with some boy!  Who knows what he'll do!

ANDY

Don't give yourself that much credit there, Avril Lavigne.

IRA

Alright stop it!  You two need to start acting like adults.  Listen, my hands are tied at the moment.  There's no where else we could possibly put Andy.  We can't put him in with the other freshmen because then he could create a fire hazard.  We're already stacked in there with triple rooms as it is.  I could ask around to see if any Resident Assistants are willing to share a room, but that will take about two weeks before we can process everything.  Until then, you two are stuck with each other.

STEPH

Oh yeah, that's just great. Do you even realize what you're saying.  It's not just about me!  All those other girls are going to be in danger!

IRA

I highly doubt that, Miss DeGenaro.  Mr. Dixon here is going to be a model gentleman and will adjust to living under his current condition.  Am I right, Mr. Dixon?

ANDY

Yeah, I guess.

IRA

Good.  Because if I hear anything about you taking advantage of any of those young women I will see to it that you're expelled.  I also don't want you making things any harder for Andy then they already are, Miss DeGenaro.  Do I make myself clear?

STEPH grumbles and crosses her arms over her chest, looking away from both ANDY and IRA.

IRA

I said do I make myself clear?

STEPH

Yeah, fine.  Whatever.  But don't be surprised if I sue you guys for making me room with some random boy.

IRA

We'll keep that in mind.

STEPH leaves

IRA

Hold on, Andy.  Listen, I know things are tough, but try not to take this so badly.

ANDY

Yeah, easy for you to say.

IRA

(laughing)

Oh come on, Andy, think about it.  If I were your age, I'd jump at the chance to be around so many girls.  Hell, I still would.

ANDY

Yeah.  Real creepy, Dean.

ANDY leaves closing the door behind him.

Scene 3

PAT'S DORM ROOM.

PAT

(Playing video games)

Honestly dude, I don't know what your problem is.  It's been a little over a week now and you're still bitching and moaning about this.

ANDY

(Pacing)

I can't help it, man.  I mean everyone's talking about me rooming in the girls dorm.  Everyone thinks I'm gay!

PAT

Could have fooled me.

ANDY

Shut up!

PAT

Don't get your panties in a bunch, Kelly.  You're the one who screwed it up by putting your real name.

ANDY

Dude, I put my first name on all my papers when I was a kid.  You were in my classes, you know that!

PAT

Yeah, yeah.

ANDY

I just can't believe it.  I should have known something was up when I only got her screen name.  How the hell am I supposed to know that Coheed Fan 87 is a girl?  She seemed so cool too.  Really nice, funny, liked the same music as I did.  Now all of a sudden I find out she's a total bitch.  She was kind of hot though, in a spunky sense.  Not like those cheerleaders or those plastic girls from high school.  I don't know.  I never would have thought girls with green hair could be hot, Pat.  Pat?  Pat!

PAT

Ha!  Eat frag, you noobs!  Ahhh yeah!  How do you like that tea bag, son!

Andy

Damn it, Pat!  I trying to freaking talk to you and you're playing that stupid game!

PAT

Hey don't get mad at me that Master Chief is a little more interesting than listen to you ramble on about your "deep" conflict.  Jesus, if you like the girl so much just get with her already.

ANdy

(laughing)

What?  Get real, dude!  I'm not into her.  Even if I was I wouldn't be stupid enough to try anything.  First of all, she's a total loser.  I don't want to be associated with her kind of people.  Secondly, I can't get involved because the Dead Campbell will start thinking I'm trying anything, otherwise I'll be expelled.

PAT

Boom!  Head-shot!

ANDY

Alright, I can see this is going absolutely no where.  Thanks for nothing, Pat, I appreciate your concern.  I'll see you around.

PAT

Hey come back when you just accept it and come out of the closet already. You're killing me with the suspense.

ANDY leaves. Scenery changes to the DORM ROOM.  STEPH is tidying up her side of the DORM ROOM.  The room is decorated now with posters and pictures.  A TV and a refrigerator are now present as well as two notebook computers.

                                                                                                         [RING]

STEPH

(answering cell phone)

Hello?  Oh hi, Maria.  Hold on a second, I'm going to put you on speaker, I need my hands.

STEPH pushes a button on her cellphone and places it down.

MARIA

Hello?

STEPH

(continuing her cleaning)

Hey girl!  Now what were you trying to say?

MARIA

Oh, right.  Listen little sister, I think you're going about this whole Andy thing the wrong way.

STEPH

Oh my God, I told you, that guy is a jerk!  He snores when he sleeps, comes into the room smelling like a pig, and gets all of his dirty clothes thrown over the room!  You would think a guy who spends so much time at the gym would actually look like he's got muscle, but he still looks scrawny!

MARIA

Sis, he's a guy.  Get used to it.  Someday you'll find that special one and he'll be just like Andy.

STEPH

Yeah, good luck with that.  As soon as I get the money I'm getting my tubes tied.  No way I'm ending up like some jock's trophy wife.

MARIA

I can't believe you haven't even tried to make things work out, at least as friends.

STEPH

What do you mean "at least?"

MARIA

Well he's totally cute.

STEPH

(yelling)

Shut up!

MARIA

Oh come on, Steph.  Get with the program.  You know he's hot.

STEPH

You're not seriously going to make me answer that.

MARIA

I'm waiting!

STEPH

(sighs)

Fine, in a weird sort of way he is.  He's got nice kind eyes and he's got a decent figure, alright?  You happy?

MARIA

Was that so hard?  So when can I expect to see you making out with him?

STEPH

You've got some imagination, Maria.

MARIA

Well if you don't make a move on him, I sure will.  Mama wants her some young meat!  Mmm-mmm.

STEPH

You're unbelievable.

MARIA

No more than you are, sis.  I'll be down there in a few weeks.  Introduce me to him, will ya?

STEPH

(defeated)

Fine, whatever.  You can have him.

MARIA

Thanks sis!  I have to go, I'll talk to you later!  Bye!

                                                                                                     [CLICK]

STEPH turns off her phone.

STEPH

(moving to the door)

I gotta get out of here.

The door opens revealing Andy.

ANDY

Woah there!  We really need to stop meeting like this.

STEPH

What were you doing there?  Were you listening in on my conversations?

ANDY

What? No!  Don't be ridiculous.  I just got back, I needed to grab some money to go get something to eat.

STEPH

(sighing)

Oh.  Sorry, I'm just a little frustrated is all.  Must be that time.

ANDY

(moving away)

A little too much info there.

STEPH

(giggling)

Right, sorry again.  So, you were going out to eat, right?

ANDY

That was the plan.

STEPH

Mind if I tag along?  I just need to get out of here.  School work is driving me crazy and I just need a break from everything.

ANDY

Um, sure. No problem.  Could I just get my wallet now?

STEPH

(surprised)

Oh, right!  The wallet, yeah yeah, go ahead.

ANDY

(grabs the wallet and walks back to the door)

So you ready?

STEPH

Yeah, let's go.

ANDY and STEPH leave.  Door closes.

Scene 4

ANDY and STEPH are walking through the Borden State University campus.  It is twilight and there are only a few students walking around. There are a group of students playing Frisbee in the distance.

ANDY

So why do you hate me?

STEPH

Huh?

ANDY

You know.  You always seem to treat me like crap for no reason.  I mean granted we didn't exactly get off on the right foot, but that doesn't warrant you to throw half of my clothes in the garbage.

STEPH

(giggles)

Oh, that.  Well, you always seem to come in smelling awful, and you leave your clothes lying around all over the place.  So it stinks up the room and I can't stand that.  So, when Lysol failed to mask the smell, I decided to get rid of it all together.

ANDY

You do realize you could have just asked me to do something about it and then everything would have been alright.

STEPH

Well, I can be kind of a bitch sometimes.

ANDY

Tell me about it.

STEPH

But it's not like you're helping things either.

ANDY

What do you mean?

STEPH

I'm a girl, Andy.  You don't treat me like it. You just do whatever you want without even thinking about how I might feel about it.  Leaving your dirty clothes around is one thing, but you don't even make an attempt to even acknowledge my existence.  I can even get a hello or goodbye from you.  It's like I'm invisible.

ANDY

Well that's because I think you hate me.  I don't see the point in trying to talk if it's just going to back fire on me and then we're right back where we were before hand.

STEPH

(sighs and sits down on a park bench)

Yeah, I suppose you do have a point there.  I guess I should let you know, it's not entirely your fault why I act the way I do around you.

ANDY

That so?

STEPH

I am the way I am because of my sister, Maria.  She's one of those sorority types.  She's popular, pretty, and funny.  She's really into tough, athletic guys who always end up treating her bad in the end.  It sucks that she keeps feeling like she needs to be loved, regardless of how it happens and how it will inevitably end.

ANDY

Looking for love in all the wrong places, eh?

STEPH

Exactly.  It's because of her that I am the way I am.  I just don't want to feel used by someone.  I want to be my own person and do things on my terms.  I don't want to sacrifice my dignity and happiness to be in a relationship.  So I'm always cautious around guys, because I'm afraid they'll end up turning me into my sister.  I love her with all my heart, but she represents everything that I'm not and never want to be.

ANDY

I understand.  Hell, you know it's not that easy being a guy either.

STEPH

I doubt that, Mr. Sexual Conquest.

ANDY

Well, see that's the thing right there.  Everyone simply expects when they look at me that I get with girls all the time.  That's not how I act.  I'd love to be with a girl as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to go party to party getting drunk all the time in hopes of "scoring some tail." If it happens, it happens, but I'm not going to force it.  The worst part is, if I admit that to anyone, I'm labeled as a wuss, or I'm gay.  It's bad enough everyone already thinks I am for rooming in the girls dorm.

STEPH

Well I guess we both figured each other wrong then.

ANDY

Sure seems that way.

STEPH

You know, I do remember our chats online.

ANDY

Oh yeah?

STEPH

(nodding)

Mmm-hmm.  I remember you were so funny.  Telling me all those stories about how you pissed off the drummer of Knocked Conscious.

ANDY

(laughing)

The guy was a jerk!  He wouldn't sign this kid's shirt because he wasn't a chick with cleavage a mile long and wasn't willing to sleep with him.  So what did I do?

STEPH

(giggling)

You saw the band a few weeks later and gave him a tube of herpes medicine in front of a row of girls telling him he slept with your sister.

ANDY

Damn right!

STEPH

You know, I'd like to meet a guy who knew just how to put someone in their place.  Someone who knows what's right.  Someone who isn't afraid to act when the time is right.

ANDY

(shifts closer to her)

Well I do have a talent for knowing when the time is right.

STEPH

(leans into him)

Let's put that to the test.

ANDY and STEPH share a kiss as the lights turn on around them.

Scene 5

ANDY and STEPH are once again in IRA's OFFICE.  ANDY and STEPH are sitting noticeably closer to each other than before.

IRA

Thanks for coming in you two.  I know these last couple of weeks must have been hard on you, but I'm happy to report we have a solution.  One of the R.A.s has agreed to have Andy as a roommate.  If you just sign this release, Mr. Dixon, you'll have your new room assignment and you can move out as early as today.

ANDY

Oh, thanks, Dean Campbell.  Not to sound like I'm not thankful or anything, but I'm going to have to decline.

IRA

Pardon me?

ANDY

Well it's just that I've grown accustomed to my surroundings in Chelsea Hall.  Besides, I got a lot of stuff in that room like the refrigerator and all, it'd just be a real hassle to move it all out, not to mention Steph won't have anything to keep her stuff cold.  It just wouldn't be fair to her.

IRA

While that's all well and good for you Mr. Dixon, that doesn't solve Miss DeGenaro's problem.  She simply doesn't feel safe with you around according to what she told me the last time we met.  I can't have one of my students feeling like they're in a constant state of panic.

STEPH

Well that's not entirely true, Dean Campbell.  I may have overreacted a little when we first came in here.  After rooming with Andy the past two weeks, I feel like things can work out just fine.  If anything I actually feel safer with Andy around.  With a boy protecting me, I don't see why anyone would want to try to harass me.

IRA

So you're both fine with this then?  You of course understand that if you can't change rooms after this until winter break, right?

ANDY

Yeah, I think we're up to it.

STEPH

I'm good with it too.

IRA

(ripping the release form in front of him)

Alright then.  You can leave now.  Oh, Andy, stay for a second, I want to talk to you.

STEPH

(winking)

See you back at the room, Andy.

ANDY

(smiling)

Yup, see you there.

STEPH leaves.

IRA

Well?  What did I tell you?  Rooming with the girls ain't so bad after all, huh?

ANDY

(laughing)

I think I could get used to it.  Besides, I think she'll help me with some of my workouts.

IRA

(leaning closer to him and whispering)

Well let's just keep that between you, me, and the little lady, alright?

ANDY smiles and gives him a thumbs up.  ANDY leaves.

IRA

(smiling)

Ahh, to be young again.

IRA continues his work.